Chapter 5- Letter to Social Worker

 Letter to Police Social Worker- Emailed in 2018

Age 43

Dear MH,
I doubt you remember me, but I remember you. 26 years ago, you were working with my family. At the time, I had a difficult family situation and spent the last two years of high school running away from home, and towards the end of high school, I had finally had enough and tried to commit suicide. On the day I decided I wanted to die, I had very carefully calculated the dosage of barbiturates and alcohol I would need to successfully die.

 I never told you this, but the day of my attempt, after I had taken nearly 40 types of medications, the phone rang and it was you, calling to check on me. I had taken so many medications I was shaking and hyperventilating, but I managed to hold it together enough that you had no idea. When I hung up the phone, I prayed to God and told him I changed my mind- that I didn’t want to die after all. Your call- the fact that you had cared enough to reach out to me-that made me change my mind. And right after I told God I didn’t want to die, I passed out. 

Everything after that is still a blur- the ambulance, the hospital ICU, the mental institution which I felt trapped in for a month, somehow finishing high school and miraculously getting in to a good college. I try not to think about that day. I was 17 at the time, and now I’m 43 and its is one of the few things in life I still struggle with- I would have hurt so many people if I had succeeded. I am so glad I didn’t succeed. 

It’s taken a long time to create a different life than I had in my childhood, and I have come a long way. I ended up getting three graduate degrees including a doctorate, and live a pretty amazing life in Manhattan, frequently traveling around the world. I have amazing friends and am now close to my family. 

These last few weeks, with some notable celebrities taking their lives, I felt catapulted back to the age of 17. It is still painful to think about that time, but I feel like ultimately it is a story of hope. I really believe the work you do saved my life. With the amount of medications I had taken, I should have died, but you gave me the shred of hope I needed to ask God for a second chance. I just want to thank you for the work you do. I imagine you have affected so many lives in a positive way, and the world is a better place because of you.
Sincerely,
K